Which Type Of Visitor Are You?
If you’ve noticed any nurses with silent tears trailing down their forlorn-looking faces recently, I can tell you why. Visitors are being allowed back inside the hospital.
Don’t get me wrong. As a human being and citizen of this world, I am glad. If any of my loved ones were hospitalized, yes, I would want to be able to visit them.
But speaking as a nurse who is trying to take care of sick patients while also dealing with visitors who, let’s face it, are often very weird citizens of this world? Woe is me.
Now I’m not saying all visitors are terrible. Many are appropriate, respectful, and dare I say even helpful. But then there’s the other visitors. The ones who fall into entirely different categories, such as the ones listed below.
The Writers
These are the visitors who have a notebook and document everything. And I mean everything. Nurse moved fan. Nurse took temperature. Nurse made eye contact. Nurse sneezed. I sneezed. Nurse contagious? Hire lawyer.
Since these visitors never leave the bedside out of fear of missing something important to document in their notebooks, they slowly lose their minds due to sleep deprivation and eventually turn into an exact replica of Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining.
The Dancers
These visitors are friendly and harmless, but drive nurses crazy nonetheless because of their uncanny ability to stand and move wherever the nurse needs to stand and move. They are most often recognizable for their constant use of the expression, “Ope, I’m in your way again, aren’t I?” Getting to the patient requires at least three do-si-dos and one cha-cha with this visitor any time the nurse enters the room.
The Theater Majors
These are certainly the most entertaining of all visitors. To them, the privacy curtain leads not to the patient, but rather to center stage. They’re known for throwing their body on top of the patient and belting out expressions like, “Don’t worry, baby! I’m getting you out of here! I ain’t ever letting them pull the plug on you! Hear me? Never!” Then after a dramatic pause they will rise from the bed, gather their belongings, say, “I’ll be back in a couple of days. Let me know if anything changes,” and leave to the nurse’s thunderous applause.
The Conspiracy Theorists
These visitors are a nurse’s least favorite type of visitor. Why? Because they question everything. Everything. They don’t trust you. They don’t trust the doctors. They don’t trust anyone. Well, except for the new grad nurse on orientation. For some reason, they trust that nurse. But if any other nurse says, “I’m going to hang a bag of potassium because your husband’s potassium was a little low on his labs this morning,” a full blown interrogation is sure to follow.
“What? No! I don’t understand. His potassium level was fine eight months ago at his regular check up. I have the report right here. Now you’re telling me his potassium is low? That can’t be right. Don’t hang that. I need to make a few calls. I’m getting to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do.”
Dealing with a visitor like that for several shifts in a row usually leads a nurse to start drinking.
And then last but not least…
The Wild Cards
These are the visitors who come across as appropriate, respectful, and dare I say even helpful…until the moment they’re caught peeing in the patient’s bedside urinal. The nurse knows all bets are off after that.
Hopefully you don’t recognize yourself in too many of these categories. But if you do, take heart. You are still welcome inside the hospital. Just be aware the nurses are watching you. And perhaps even planning to write about you in their next blog.
